Life is hard. I get thrown off course, a lot. Good and bad things come in waves. But the Word, He tells us that it will be hard, but He will be with us and let me tell you, He keeps His word.
I pulled up this blog to write for you today. It is weird. It brings back so many memories. So many words typed on this keyboard. It actually makes me want to cry that it has been almost two years since I wrote last. I spent so many hours at this computer doing what I know, in my heart, God wanted me to do. Hours in classes, hours of planning, hours of writing and rewriting and hours of praying to make sure that what I write hit the screen of the person He wanted to talk to. Over two whole years of blatant silence on my part. So very sad.
God has been gently prodding me to begin again, but it is painful. Writing is painful. One of the first things I learned in my first North Texas Christian Writers conference was that writing is painful. You have to bleed on the page, pouring a piece of Him and yourself out on the page for the whole world to read. And guess what? That is hard.
Beginning in 2010, we hit a valley that stuck around for years. Long sickness' and death. Changes in our family, the Lord gives and the Lord takes, but through it all He was our constant. He was always there and never left. I knew that that pain would be well used in writing, but I couldn't write. It hurt too much. It was easier to stick my head in the sand and pretend that what was happening wasn't. I put on a fake smile and said the right words, but inside I was torn up. God walked with me. He held my hand. He taught me that no matter how much I plan and hold on, things won't always go or stay as I want them to. Plans get messed up. People pass away and people walk away. Before, I would get upset and frazzled. I wouldn't know where to go next. Frustrated at my lack of control, I felt helpless, hurt and worthless.
So, I ran from writing. I ran from home. I couldn't be at home. Too much time to think. I volunteered, anytime I could. I got offered a job and I loved it. I had writers block on the story that I had been working on for over a year, so having a job helped me not think about it. Having a job helped me not think about the sadness and memories that surrounded me at my house. Then I got offered an even better job that would allow me to be with my kids all the time, but I had to work full time. I loved it even more than the first one. It was full time and I hardly ever had to be home.
In the back of my head however, I longed to write. I longed to be home, cooking dinner, writing stories and blessing my family. I longed to be a stay at home mom again. Please don't misunderstand. I loved what I was doing, but I was not doing what God called me to do. He called me to be a wife and mom. He called me to love my family and to take good care of them. He called me to cook. I believe that it is a gift He gave me. I am good at it. I love it. Good food makes people feel better. He called me to write. Heartfelt words bind up broken hearts. They can take people to places that they can't go on their own. Those things are what God called me to do. Those are the places where I feel I make a difference.
During all that time, God let me do my own thing. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. My plate was full. All the while calling me to quit being Jonah. To get busy being about His business. He used it to teach me how to take one day at a time. Make my plans, but stay in the moment, knowing that at any moment, it may change and to be okay with that. He taught me that what is really important, in His plan for me, is to take care of my family. That it is okay for me to "just" be a mom. That being home affords me the ability to write, to cook and to take care of my home. He also taught me to appreciate the painful memories. To remember the good ones and use the hard ones to bless others going through those tough times too.
My friends, thank you for sticking around and waiting on me. If this is your first time reading my blog, please feel free to go back and check out the rest of the posts. Some of them were pretty good. I am out of practice now, so it will take some time to fine tune again, but I plan on doing just that. I have ideas fluttering around my mind. I am looking forward to moving forward again. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to whisper to my heart and put me back on track!
Be blessed, until we read again...