Yay! I am going to toot my own horn for a moment. Well, maybe for today! I am published, by someone other than me! Wa-hoo!
Ok, now I got that off my chest. Here is the link if you would like to read it.
http://www.btwixtandbtweenblog.com/wordpress/?p=1473
Have a blessed day,
Until we read again,
wt
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
To be or not to be a middle schooler? Therein lies the question.
My sweet 11, almost 12 year old is going into sixth grade. Yes, middle school. Or is she? A year ago, I said that we were homeschooling. At the end of the school we weren't. Now, we are. Or are we...? We are, we aren't. Oh man!
Let me step back, to a year ago. God laid homeschooling on my heart before she began fifth grade. She was on board with the prospects at the beginning of the school year. By year end, the teachers had built up the idea of middle school that she decided she didn't want to. She said, “Let me just try one year and see how it goes. I’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, physically,” I said, “but what happens to my sweet Catie and your brain and moral character?” Lions and Tigers and Kerr Cougars, Oh My!
I finally decided, to let go and let God have it (should have done that in the beginning, duh.) “Catie, let’s pray about it this summer.” I said when school got out. “If God wants us to do it, He will change your heart. If He doesn’t, then you can go to middle school and we will trust Him.” I figured if it was His will for her to go, then He would keep her safe.
Two weeks ago, after church, Catie came to me and asked if it was too late to homeschool? I told her nope and here we are, looking for curriculum. Ugh…what a dreadful, delight. My mind is swirling with possibilities, while I grab for a throw up bag. I don’t want to make a bad choice. I hear the words of friends and family echoing in my ear,
“You don’t want her to get behind and then go back to school and have to redo a grade.”
“You'll never make it, you’re not organized enough?”
“She’s going to be weird and unsocialized!”
Now, I can let the evil one cause me to fear the unknown or I can trust that if God laid this on our hearts, He is going to help us muddle through the dirty mess of choices and come out clean on the other side. I know this journey is going to be filled with craziness. I know this journey could be rough at times and not so bad at other times. That said, I’m actually excited to try this and let God bless our family for trusting Him. And I’m glad we are doing it together. I’ll keep you posted.
Be blessed, until we read again…wt
Let me step back, to a year ago. God laid homeschooling on my heart before she began fifth grade. She was on board with the prospects at the beginning of the school year. By year end, the teachers had built up the idea of middle school that she decided she didn't want to. She said, “Let me just try one year and see how it goes. I’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, physically,” I said, “but what happens to my sweet Catie and your brain and moral character?” Lions and Tigers and Kerr Cougars, Oh My!
I finally decided, to let go and let God have it (should have done that in the beginning, duh.) “Catie, let’s pray about it this summer.” I said when school got out. “If God wants us to do it, He will change your heart. If He doesn’t, then you can go to middle school and we will trust Him.” I figured if it was His will for her to go, then He would keep her safe.
Two weeks ago, after church, Catie came to me and asked if it was too late to homeschool? I told her nope and here we are, looking for curriculum. Ugh…what a dreadful, delight. My mind is swirling with possibilities, while I grab for a throw up bag. I don’t want to make a bad choice. I hear the words of friends and family echoing in my ear,
“You don’t want her to get behind and then go back to school and have to redo a grade.”
“You'll never make it, you’re not organized enough?”
“She’s going to be weird and unsocialized!”
Now, I can let the evil one cause me to fear the unknown or I can trust that if God laid this on our hearts, He is going to help us muddle through the dirty mess of choices and come out clean on the other side. I know this journey is going to be filled with craziness. I know this journey could be rough at times and not so bad at other times. That said, I’m actually excited to try this and let God bless our family for trusting Him. And I’m glad we are doing it together. I’ll keep you posted.
Be blessed, until we read again…wt
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Long enough
Well, I think I have waited long enough to post again. :-) Seriously, anyone who was reading me, quit because it's been so long. If you still are here, wow, I'm impressed. I would have given up, a long time ago.
Now that's said, I don't even know what to say. I just know I need to say something.
We haven't been to worship in over a month now. Not because we don't want to go, more because we have been trying to take care of family on the weekends when we don't have tournaments. When we aren't playing softball, we are at my mother in law's house taking care of her. Yesterday was the first day in 3 months where we didn't have something to do. That was awesome.
All in all though, I feel lost and can feel the world creeping into me. God's been showing it to me. I feel myself wanting more stuff. I feel the evil one coming out in how I speak and act. I hate it and I don't want it anymore.
A few weeks ago, we started our house church back up again. Our lives have been in such trauma, the past several months, that we really needed some one on one Spirit healing and guidance. We enjoy our large church family so much, but there was a need. We asked the past leaders of our group, whom we are still very close with, to come back to meeting weekly and have started a audio lesson in Spiritual Authority. We are going into week number 4 and have added another family back into our house church mix. Wow, does it feel good too. We eat together, then listen to the 30 minute or so teaching, discuss and pray about the needs in all our lives. It's awesome, but I still need more.
It came to me that I need more God in my life. I have a responsibility to keep the Father close to me. Even more so with the lack of worship. I need to be reading more of the Word, letting Him fill me. I need some more peace, that only He can give. I'm just tired of wearing myself out trying to do it all alone. Heck, with thinking that I can do it all alone! How can I be a Spiritual mentor to my girls, when all I'm mentoring is being/doing nothing. I have gained back all the weight I lost due to stress. What would my life have been like these past few months if I hadn't have given up? Instead of shoving food in my mouth because I'm stressed, if I would have shoved my head in the Word and let God fill me where He knew I needed to be filled, rather than me filling it where I thought I needed to be filled. Now I feel crappy and unhappy, like a loser, (or gainer) because I worked so hard, for nothing. Now I have to start all over. I can't believe I did that to myself. See how easy it is for me to spiral out of control into the never ending, self hating vortex of darkness.
I can't do this anymore. I have to do better. I need to let go of the past, hurts and all. Move on and transition into where I am now. Ask and seek the guidance that He wants to give me. Follow it, instead of walking away. I'm in need Lord. Guide me. Lead me. Push me. Pull me. Help me.
Gosh, I feel like this is more of a journal entry than an uplifting post. Maybe getting all this off my chest will help me make the next step towards victory and away from failure. Get thee behind me Satan. I'm walking to the Light. Get thee under my foot Satan. I'm a child of the Most High God. I am victorious.
Today, I begin fresh. Future is in front of me.
Be Blessed, Until we read again...
Now that's said, I don't even know what to say. I just know I need to say something.
We haven't been to worship in over a month now. Not because we don't want to go, more because we have been trying to take care of family on the weekends when we don't have tournaments. When we aren't playing softball, we are at my mother in law's house taking care of her. Yesterday was the first day in 3 months where we didn't have something to do. That was awesome.
All in all though, I feel lost and can feel the world creeping into me. God's been showing it to me. I feel myself wanting more stuff. I feel the evil one coming out in how I speak and act. I hate it and I don't want it anymore.
A few weeks ago, we started our house church back up again. Our lives have been in such trauma, the past several months, that we really needed some one on one Spirit healing and guidance. We enjoy our large church family so much, but there was a need. We asked the past leaders of our group, whom we are still very close with, to come back to meeting weekly and have started a audio lesson in Spiritual Authority. We are going into week number 4 and have added another family back into our house church mix. Wow, does it feel good too. We eat together, then listen to the 30 minute or so teaching, discuss and pray about the needs in all our lives. It's awesome, but I still need more.
It came to me that I need more God in my life. I have a responsibility to keep the Father close to me. Even more so with the lack of worship. I need to be reading more of the Word, letting Him fill me. I need some more peace, that only He can give. I'm just tired of wearing myself out trying to do it all alone. Heck, with thinking that I can do it all alone! How can I be a Spiritual mentor to my girls, when all I'm mentoring is being/doing nothing. I have gained back all the weight I lost due to stress. What would my life have been like these past few months if I hadn't have given up? Instead of shoving food in my mouth because I'm stressed, if I would have shoved my head in the Word and let God fill me where He knew I needed to be filled, rather than me filling it where I thought I needed to be filled. Now I feel crappy and unhappy, like a loser, (or gainer) because I worked so hard, for nothing. Now I have to start all over. I can't believe I did that to myself. See how easy it is for me to spiral out of control into the never ending, self hating vortex of darkness.
I can't do this anymore. I have to do better. I need to let go of the past, hurts and all. Move on and transition into where I am now. Ask and seek the guidance that He wants to give me. Follow it, instead of walking away. I'm in need Lord. Guide me. Lead me. Push me. Pull me. Help me.
Gosh, I feel like this is more of a journal entry than an uplifting post. Maybe getting all this off my chest will help me make the next step towards victory and away from failure. Get thee behind me Satan. I'm walking to the Light. Get thee under my foot Satan. I'm a child of the Most High God. I am victorious.
Today, I begin fresh. Future is in front of me.
Be Blessed, Until we read again...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Cliff jumpin'
Why is it that the only time we scream for help is when we are on the edge of the cliff fixin to take that last step and fall into the great abyss?
The Lord wants us to walk with Him always. I think that we need to hear His voice. We need to ask more about the little things, so when the big things come, we are already tuned into His frequency instead of the world's.
We allow the things of this world to swirl around us as we pick through the things we think we can control, but in actuality, we don't control anything. Our lines are drawn out before us and cross the necessary paths. When we stray, it just makes it harder.
I had a dream awhile back that I was in an old campground. I was trying to find my way back to my site. It was built on the side of a hill, with lots of trees and overgrown bushes. It was a large campground. I could see RV's and tents and I remember pushing through bushes and getting scratched, tripping over rocks and logs, trying to take a short cut that may or may not lead me to where I was going. All the while, on the other side of the bushes, there was a paved path that led all the way to my home. It was cracked, but it was clear all the way up.
I believe that is how we live our lives. We think we can short cut through life, but we are getting beaten and bruised while we fumble our way through the bushes and logs. We will hopefully still make it, but wouldn't it be easier to follow the paved path that God had laid from the beginning? Wouldn't it be easier to trip on a crack and still be able to get up and see home? God doesn't promise us that it will be easy, but He does promise that He will never leave us or forsake us. When we fall, He is there to help us up. IF we can slow down and know that He is there.
I know for myself, it's easy for me to start spinning and let my mind get out of control and find myself on the edge, totally turned around. But I know, that even if I get to the edge and take that step, I can still scream and He will be my bungee cord. He will bounce me back up and put me back on His path He laid for me at the beginning of time. All I have to do is ask. I have to be stll and know that He is God and I will never walk the path alone.
I don't know about you, but I sure want out of the bushes and to have the healer, kiss my boo-boo's and put a Barbie Band-aid on me and put me back on the right path. I need His help to keep me on the path that HE laid for me and not the one I keep trying to make myself. I don't like heights and I don't want to be a jumper. Lord help me be still and know you are God. In Jesus Name!
Be blessed,
Until we read again...
The Lord wants us to walk with Him always. I think that we need to hear His voice. We need to ask more about the little things, so when the big things come, we are already tuned into His frequency instead of the world's.
We allow the things of this world to swirl around us as we pick through the things we think we can control, but in actuality, we don't control anything. Our lines are drawn out before us and cross the necessary paths. When we stray, it just makes it harder.
I had a dream awhile back that I was in an old campground. I was trying to find my way back to my site. It was built on the side of a hill, with lots of trees and overgrown bushes. It was a large campground. I could see RV's and tents and I remember pushing through bushes and getting scratched, tripping over rocks and logs, trying to take a short cut that may or may not lead me to where I was going. All the while, on the other side of the bushes, there was a paved path that led all the way to my home. It was cracked, but it was clear all the way up.
I believe that is how we live our lives. We think we can short cut through life, but we are getting beaten and bruised while we fumble our way through the bushes and logs. We will hopefully still make it, but wouldn't it be easier to follow the paved path that God had laid from the beginning? Wouldn't it be easier to trip on a crack and still be able to get up and see home? God doesn't promise us that it will be easy, but He does promise that He will never leave us or forsake us. When we fall, He is there to help us up. IF we can slow down and know that He is there.
I know for myself, it's easy for me to start spinning and let my mind get out of control and find myself on the edge, totally turned around. But I know, that even if I get to the edge and take that step, I can still scream and He will be my bungee cord. He will bounce me back up and put me back on His path He laid for me at the beginning of time. All I have to do is ask. I have to be stll and know that He is God and I will never walk the path alone.
I don't know about you, but I sure want out of the bushes and to have the healer, kiss my boo-boo's and put a Barbie Band-aid on me and put me back on the right path. I need His help to keep me on the path that HE laid for me and not the one I keep trying to make myself. I don't like heights and I don't want to be a jumper. Lord help me be still and know you are God. In Jesus Name!
Be blessed,
Until we read again...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
God Control
A couple years ago, I decided to go on a weight loss journey. I did good, for awhile. Then I petered out. I have gained back about 3 pounds since I hit the plateau. I started running again in April of 2010, only to peter out again from injuries in November of 2010. Then came Moms on the Run (MOTR) through Fort Worth Running Company. (btw, FW Running Company is a Christian based, not afraid to talk about it organization. They are doing it for the health and wellness of the runners, so I encourage you to give business their way if you want to start exercising or running.) Anyway, MOTR was a group of moms that was going to meet on Tu/Th/Sa that started in the beginning of December. The goal, a Benbrook 5K on January 29th. My goal, be able to run for a full 3 miles, without stopping. I decided to sign up for it because, well, I had a lack of self motivation. I choose exercise peer pressure as my booty kicker and let me tell you, it worked! I haven't lost any extra weight, but I have lost a whole dress size. I know muscle mass, but that is not what I want to hear. I want the scale to go down. I also went from barely being able to run 2 minutes and walking 1 minute, to running 5 minutes then walking a minute and up from there. We have been doing it for 6 weeks now and I am happy to tell you that I can run the full 3 miles already! I thought for sure, there was no way, but here I am. And crazy as it sounds, I am going to train with them for another month and do the Cowtown 10k! Ahhhh! What am I thinking? I signed up for it yesterday, so there's no backing out now. Deep breath.
That said, the Lord has been impressing on me that, though I have excelled quickly running with the guidance of an encourager and of course family support, I still haven't lost any weight because I just eat. I want it, I eat it. I have a lack of self control when it comes to food. I am thoughtless about it and just put it in my mouth. I have worked so hard to get my body back under control, yet I have fallen way short of that with my mouth.
So, with the urgings of the Spirit comes a conviction to give it back to Him and work on the self discipline that comes with letting the Father make my paths straight, (away from the kitchen.)
I have chosen to get back into my Sparkpeople account and reset my goals. I want to lose twenty pounds by May 15th. Then I will reset goals again when that day comes. Little bit at a time, till I hit my final goal of forty pounds. I wrote a blog post on Sparkpeople back in 2009 and I am going to include it on this post because it goes hand in hand with what I feel the need to do. I want to share it with whoever the Lord thinks might need to hear it. It is not just for food, but can be used for any addiction. Just think of how the concept of asking the Lord can apply to you.
Here it is, tell me your thoughts.
July 1, 2009
Turning Self Control into God Control
I have been trying and trying, sort of, to lose weight. I have been stagnate. Gain a pound here and lose a pound there, but no continuous loss. It is my fault though. I have been inconsistent. I have been weighing myself, but I don't update my SparkPage because it isn't enough. Most of the time it is up a half pound, then I go down a half pound and up a pound then down a half pound. You get the picture. Problem is I don't want to log it because my scale on my Page never moves. I don't want to embarrass myself. I will log it when it goes down some more. No one will know, except me. Excuses.
So, I was reading my bible the other day and God asked me why I don't ask Him what I am supposed to eat. Before I grab the nearest string cheese or extra bite of dinner, why don't I ask Him if it's okay? It hit me. I take all of my other troubles to God, why not take this one too?
See, I am a control freak. (recovering) There I said it. I have been working on this for a long time. I can't control my kids. I can't control other peoples choices that affect me. I can't control the red light that I will have to stop at and I can't control the time slot of my favorite shows, although with my digital recorder, I have a false sense that I can. I can't control the weather or anything else for that matter. I sure try though.
What I can control is the way I react to situations and what I put in my mouth and I have failed miserably at both. Why is that? Because I have told myself over and over that those are the only things that I control! Duh... Who is supposed to be driving my mind? Instead, I am trying to drive and putting the most important person in the backseat, Jesus. What happens when we do all the driving and place Jesus in the child seat in the back? I say that because we treat Him like a child sometimes, He can't do it good enough, so we will take care of it ourselves. Obviously, we can handle it better, right? Not. Um, last time I checked, He was the King of the Universe.
My dear friend asks me, "So, how's that workin for ya?"
"It's not." I say and hang my head in shame.
"What are you going to do about it?"
Well, I am writing a blog to tell everyone on SparkPages, I am going to sit in the child seat in the back and let God be my Daddy that He wants to be. I continue to blow it on my own, over and over and over again. I will ask Him before I eat, if He wants me to eat and if so, what. I will ask him when it's time to workout. I bet He has that on a list of things for me to do today. His schedule is better than mine. I bet that His schedule has me finishing everything that NEEDS to get done. Won't that be nice? What do I really control after all? Nothing. God controls everything. I just need to stop and listen to Him. It will take time to train myself, but when I am diligent about seeking Him, He will let me find Him and He is faithful to answer.
Why am I telling you? Well, I am writing this blog as an accountability device for me. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but I know I wrote it and it is out there floating around. I said it now, it's not just in my head. It is official. It is now written. In fact, I think that I will publish this to Facebook. Then all my friends can see it and hold me accountable. Ouch. That's scary. I have a lot of friends on Facebook now.
God, thank you for giving me the heart you have. Thank you for making me who I am. May my journey be one that you are proud of. May my ears hear Your voice and my mind follow your words. May my self control now be God control. May my body be a worthy temple for you. In your Son Jesus' Holy name, Amen
Be blessed,
Until we read again...
That said, the Lord has been impressing on me that, though I have excelled quickly running with the guidance of an encourager and of course family support, I still haven't lost any weight because I just eat. I want it, I eat it. I have a lack of self control when it comes to food. I am thoughtless about it and just put it in my mouth. I have worked so hard to get my body back under control, yet I have fallen way short of that with my mouth.
So, with the urgings of the Spirit comes a conviction to give it back to Him and work on the self discipline that comes with letting the Father make my paths straight, (away from the kitchen.)
I have chosen to get back into my Sparkpeople account and reset my goals. I want to lose twenty pounds by May 15th. Then I will reset goals again when that day comes. Little bit at a time, till I hit my final goal of forty pounds. I wrote a blog post on Sparkpeople back in 2009 and I am going to include it on this post because it goes hand in hand with what I feel the need to do. I want to share it with whoever the Lord thinks might need to hear it. It is not just for food, but can be used for any addiction. Just think of how the concept of asking the Lord can apply to you.
Here it is, tell me your thoughts.
July 1, 2009
Turning Self Control into God Control
I have been trying and trying, sort of, to lose weight. I have been stagnate. Gain a pound here and lose a pound there, but no continuous loss. It is my fault though. I have been inconsistent. I have been weighing myself, but I don't update my SparkPage because it isn't enough. Most of the time it is up a half pound, then I go down a half pound and up a pound then down a half pound. You get the picture. Problem is I don't want to log it because my scale on my Page never moves. I don't want to embarrass myself. I will log it when it goes down some more. No one will know, except me. Excuses.
So, I was reading my bible the other day and God asked me why I don't ask Him what I am supposed to eat. Before I grab the nearest string cheese or extra bite of dinner, why don't I ask Him if it's okay? It hit me. I take all of my other troubles to God, why not take this one too?
See, I am a control freak. (recovering) There I said it. I have been working on this for a long time. I can't control my kids. I can't control other peoples choices that affect me. I can't control the red light that I will have to stop at and I can't control the time slot of my favorite shows, although with my digital recorder, I have a false sense that I can. I can't control the weather or anything else for that matter. I sure try though.
What I can control is the way I react to situations and what I put in my mouth and I have failed miserably at both. Why is that? Because I have told myself over and over that those are the only things that I control! Duh... Who is supposed to be driving my mind? Instead, I am trying to drive and putting the most important person in the backseat, Jesus. What happens when we do all the driving and place Jesus in the child seat in the back? I say that because we treat Him like a child sometimes, He can't do it good enough, so we will take care of it ourselves. Obviously, we can handle it better, right? Not. Um, last time I checked, He was the King of the Universe.
My dear friend asks me, "So, how's that workin for ya?"
"It's not." I say and hang my head in shame.
"What are you going to do about it?"
Well, I am writing a blog to tell everyone on SparkPages, I am going to sit in the child seat in the back and let God be my Daddy that He wants to be. I continue to blow it on my own, over and over and over again. I will ask Him before I eat, if He wants me to eat and if so, what. I will ask him when it's time to workout. I bet He has that on a list of things for me to do today. His schedule is better than mine. I bet that His schedule has me finishing everything that NEEDS to get done. Won't that be nice? What do I really control after all? Nothing. God controls everything. I just need to stop and listen to Him. It will take time to train myself, but when I am diligent about seeking Him, He will let me find Him and He is faithful to answer.
Why am I telling you? Well, I am writing this blog as an accountability device for me. I don't know if anyone will even read this, but I know I wrote it and it is out there floating around. I said it now, it's not just in my head. It is official. It is now written. In fact, I think that I will publish this to Facebook. Then all my friends can see it and hold me accountable. Ouch. That's scary. I have a lot of friends on Facebook now.
God, thank you for giving me the heart you have. Thank you for making me who I am. May my journey be one that you are proud of. May my ears hear Your voice and my mind follow your words. May my self control now be God control. May my body be a worthy temple for you. In your Son Jesus' Holy name, Amen
Be blessed,
Until we read again...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Change is so good, NOT!
No, I'm not talking about the change in your pocket or in the bottom of your purse. Not the pretty silver and copper colored stuff. That stuff is good. Especially the nickels. I'm talking about the change that is like a scratchy sweater. The kind that when you put it on, it's itchy and it makes you wiggle your back trying to get it off. The kind that when you get home, you rip it off and swear you are going to throw it away, but can't because you great Auntie Gertrude gave it to you and you have to wear it every time you see her.
No, I'm talking about the change that when it starts happening around you, you feel like you are going to throw up. The one you have no control over and you feel helpless to stop it.
I hate change. Sorry mom. I dislike change very much. It is uncomfortable and unwelcome. Why can't things stay the same? Moan. Why can't we all just get along? Wail. Oh, wait, wrong post.
God has been dealing with me on change for awhile. Well, since I was born I guess. I grew up in a very safe home. I had both sets of grandparents within a 10 mile radius. It was comfortable. It was good. I was secure and I knew it would be that way forever. But it wasn't. My family fell apart, parents got divorced, friends moved, boyfriends came and went, grandparents passed away and all along, I was trying to grab onto something that would be the same forever.
That, my friends, is my problem. I think in terms of "forever." When I think about things, I think about them being the same forever. Friends, churches, schools, I want things to be the same. I imagine my girls marrying boys that they have grown up with and we have been friends with for a long time. It's comfortable, familiar, secure. Yet, things don't work that way. They weren't intended to.
God spoke to me a little over a year ago. My last grandparent passed away in November of 2009. Let me step back and say that my dad's parents were children of the depression. My grandma was so traumatized by it that she was a horder of sorts. Food, toilet paper, money. They saved. My grandparents house is the same today as it was when it was built in the 70's. Same color, same furniture, always the same. Maybe that has somehow affected the way I think of things. In all my chaos, that was one thing that I always could count on, my grandparents would always be the same. When I went into their house, it smelled the same. Grandma wanted to play Kings on the Corner and Grandpa would look at me with the same loving eyes that he did when I was a child. He'd smile and call me "Wendy-Pete." It was the same and it was so good. Till they both passed away in 2009. Grandma in May and Grandpa at the end of October. See as hard as I tried to keep things the same, no matter what, I couldn't. People grow old. People get sick. People die.
Taking it a step further, people move, people get mad and sometimes people just grow apart. The funny things is, no matter how much we want things to stay the same, we can't. We weren't meant to be the same. We were meant to grow and change. The only thing that will ever stay the same is death. When you're dead, change stops. No matter what, we are still dead. I know, "Wow Wendy, you sure are dark today." Well, I've been dark for awhile, but to me, it's not really dark. It's more like light. God's light. He's been shining on me and asking me to accept that He has changes in store for me and that it's okay because guess what, He doesn't change. He stays the same, forever! (Hallelujah, Praise God!)
All these years, I was searching for something that was secure and the same and He was right in front of me. I guess that is part of what happens when you don't find the Lord till your are 26. I was a control freak, well, still am so I guess I am a recovering control freak, but anyway, I was a control freak in high school. I wanted to control everyone and everything. I would break up with boys just so that they couldn't break up with me. I am sure that I broke many hearts and looking back, I was not a very nice person to be around. I thank God my sister and my best friend Laura stuck by me even when I hurt them too. I think that happens when everything is out of control and you try to control your circumstances to the best of your ability, no matter who gets run over along the way. But even way back then, God still held my hand. I just didn't know it. He tenderly guided my path and kept me out of trouble that I deserved, but didn't get because He had other things in mind for me.
Then years later, I get a job in Texas and move 2000 miles away from my home. I was 18 and even then, I planned on staying with my job forever. I was going to be friends with these people, forever. That lasted a whole 8 years. Then I got to change jobs. But I would still be friends with all these people, right? Nope. I only have contact with a handful of those hundreds of people I knew. God moved me through another job and now two more churches and still I find myself longing for forever.
I guess I pour all this out to you because God has shown me that there is only one forever and it is with Him and that time has not yet come. He has told me that though I may seek security here and look for forever here, He has other things planned. He doesn't want me to be comfortable because then I might quit seeking Him. He has shared with me that all these ugly sweaters that keep getting put on me, well they are all about making me a little better, a little more like Him. He likes ugly, scratchy sweaters. They create a need for change and change is good. As long as we have on an ugly, scratchy sweater, we will be open to trying to change it, trying to find a better fit, but we won't and we shouldn't. Not here on this earth. Only when we see Him in the ever after will the change end. In the meantime, we need to willingly embrace the changes He has planned for us. Plans to prosper us and give us a future. (Jeremiah is so cool.) He has good stuff for us. When we die, we can get our soft, cuddly final sweater and it will be good. Heck, maybe it will even be a snuggie, with wings on the back.
Be blessed, until we read again,
wt
No, I'm talking about the change that when it starts happening around you, you feel like you are going to throw up. The one you have no control over and you feel helpless to stop it.
I hate change. Sorry mom. I dislike change very much. It is uncomfortable and unwelcome. Why can't things stay the same? Moan. Why can't we all just get along? Wail. Oh, wait, wrong post.
God has been dealing with me on change for awhile. Well, since I was born I guess. I grew up in a very safe home. I had both sets of grandparents within a 10 mile radius. It was comfortable. It was good. I was secure and I knew it would be that way forever. But it wasn't. My family fell apart, parents got divorced, friends moved, boyfriends came and went, grandparents passed away and all along, I was trying to grab onto something that would be the same forever.
That, my friends, is my problem. I think in terms of "forever." When I think about things, I think about them being the same forever. Friends, churches, schools, I want things to be the same. I imagine my girls marrying boys that they have grown up with and we have been friends with for a long time. It's comfortable, familiar, secure. Yet, things don't work that way. They weren't intended to.
God spoke to me a little over a year ago. My last grandparent passed away in November of 2009. Let me step back and say that my dad's parents were children of the depression. My grandma was so traumatized by it that she was a horder of sorts. Food, toilet paper, money. They saved. My grandparents house is the same today as it was when it was built in the 70's. Same color, same furniture, always the same. Maybe that has somehow affected the way I think of things. In all my chaos, that was one thing that I always could count on, my grandparents would always be the same. When I went into their house, it smelled the same. Grandma wanted to play Kings on the Corner and Grandpa would look at me with the same loving eyes that he did when I was a child. He'd smile and call me "Wendy-Pete." It was the same and it was so good. Till they both passed away in 2009. Grandma in May and Grandpa at the end of October. See as hard as I tried to keep things the same, no matter what, I couldn't. People grow old. People get sick. People die.
Taking it a step further, people move, people get mad and sometimes people just grow apart. The funny things is, no matter how much we want things to stay the same, we can't. We weren't meant to be the same. We were meant to grow and change. The only thing that will ever stay the same is death. When you're dead, change stops. No matter what, we are still dead. I know, "Wow Wendy, you sure are dark today." Well, I've been dark for awhile, but to me, it's not really dark. It's more like light. God's light. He's been shining on me and asking me to accept that He has changes in store for me and that it's okay because guess what, He doesn't change. He stays the same, forever! (Hallelujah, Praise God!)
All these years, I was searching for something that was secure and the same and He was right in front of me. I guess that is part of what happens when you don't find the Lord till your are 26. I was a control freak, well, still am so I guess I am a recovering control freak, but anyway, I was a control freak in high school. I wanted to control everyone and everything. I would break up with boys just so that they couldn't break up with me. I am sure that I broke many hearts and looking back, I was not a very nice person to be around. I thank God my sister and my best friend Laura stuck by me even when I hurt them too. I think that happens when everything is out of control and you try to control your circumstances to the best of your ability, no matter who gets run over along the way. But even way back then, God still held my hand. I just didn't know it. He tenderly guided my path and kept me out of trouble that I deserved, but didn't get because He had other things in mind for me.
Then years later, I get a job in Texas and move 2000 miles away from my home. I was 18 and even then, I planned on staying with my job forever. I was going to be friends with these people, forever. That lasted a whole 8 years. Then I got to change jobs. But I would still be friends with all these people, right? Nope. I only have contact with a handful of those hundreds of people I knew. God moved me through another job and now two more churches and still I find myself longing for forever.
I guess I pour all this out to you because God has shown me that there is only one forever and it is with Him and that time has not yet come. He has told me that though I may seek security here and look for forever here, He has other things planned. He doesn't want me to be comfortable because then I might quit seeking Him. He has shared with me that all these ugly sweaters that keep getting put on me, well they are all about making me a little better, a little more like Him. He likes ugly, scratchy sweaters. They create a need for change and change is good. As long as we have on an ugly, scratchy sweater, we will be open to trying to change it, trying to find a better fit, but we won't and we shouldn't. Not here on this earth. Only when we see Him in the ever after will the change end. In the meantime, we need to willingly embrace the changes He has planned for us. Plans to prosper us and give us a future. (Jeremiah is so cool.) He has good stuff for us. When we die, we can get our soft, cuddly final sweater and it will be good. Heck, maybe it will even be a snuggie, with wings on the back.
Be blessed, until we read again,
wt
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