Gone into the Light...

Once upon a time I was me. It seemed like a long time ago, but praise to God, I am new today. I went to a retreat a few weeks ago hoping for a change. I say hoping because that is what I was doing, hoping. Not praying. I knew that others had come through it and they had been changed and I wanted change too. (see post below called Letting Go). Anyway, I wanted to be made whole again so that I could see Gods miracles and blessings in my life. I knew that I was being held back because of things that I continued to hang onto in my magical backpack that no one but me and God knew was there. I would say they were gone, but they weren't. They were just pushed deeper so I could keep on pretending. God knew though. He knew that He had blessings waiting for me and He stood there, arms crossed, toe tapping, eyes rolling saying, "C'mon Wendy, quit talking and start doing. I have a bagful of blessings piling up here..." Can you see Him? He is probably doing it to you too.
During our retreat, we heard about the things in the dark that we do and hold onto that keep us out of the light, (hence the name Marvelous Light.) We heard about bondage and things of the occult, (which is more than you would have thought). We heard about legalism and idolatry. Most of all we heard about forgiveness. One of my dear friends and I have talked a lot about that in the past. She is very wise. She had given me some of her story but at the retreat, she gave all of it. When she talked about her story in full, it filled in the rest of the blanks for me and I got it. I understood all that she had said to me and more. She helped a lot of people that weekend. At that moment I realized that the biggest thing holding me back from receiving the full blessings of God was the spirit of unforgiveness. I realized that I said I forgave but I just called it something else. I pointed fingers at other things. "Well, they made the bad decisions, they are not humble, they sure do have issues!" In reality, all those things are true, but because of my unforgiveness, I harbored anger and resentment. Those two things alone are enough to drive you insane when your mind starts thinking about it. Your stomach starts to boil, your blood starts to rush, your head feels heavy and before you know it you are taking it out on everyone around you who loves you. Then the ball starts rolling, they take it out on the people around them and around them and around them.... No wonder there are so many angry people.
But for me, NO MORE. I refuse to let Satan take my joy away anymore. I refuse to let Satan take my blessings away anymore. I know that I was changed at the retreat because I had an opportunity this weekend to let the anger retake control. I did not do it. I was faced with the one thing that would get me seething mad and I did not bite. Instead, I chose to remain calm. My stomach did not start to boil, my blood did not start to rush, my head did not feel heavy. I was completely and irrefutably unaffected. Even when I realized nothing was happening, I still was unaffected. Even when the disscussion heated, I still remained calm. At that moment, I knew that my prayers at that retreat with the 2 other women in my triad were heard and delivered upon. I knew that that burden in my magical backpack was gone. I knew that God had answered my call to take them away from me. Wow, what a freedom I have received! I have been blessed beyond meausure since then. The most recent was last night. No, it wasn't money or anything like that but it was something that I heard on TV. Had I walked into the room at any other moment, I might have missed it. I had a double header last night with our church softball team. After I played another terrible game with no hits in either game and wanted to quit playing altogether because I was so frustrated, I came home to hear Joel Osteen preaching on the television. He said that people are always trying to do things to impress other people. He said that God gives us certain things to be good at and when we venture out of those things and get frustrated we end up wasting our energy. He said we should be impressing ourselves with the things God gifted us with. I know that can be taken several ways, but last night, at that moment, I realized that at some point, I wanted to be really good at something that I maybe was not so good at. I had lost the fun and was trying too hard. My entire family was extremely good at softball and baseball. My Grandpa was going to play in the minors after the Korean war, but because of an injury, he did not get to. My mom was All-Star in high school. My dad did not get to play till he was older due to a heart condition, but he was good too. So at that moment, when I heard those words, I believe that God was giving me a blessing saying that it was okay to be not so good at softball because I am great at other stuff that He wants me to be great at. Isn't that the most important? So, when I play softball and yes, I will play again, I just need to have fun and bring the joy back in my game and play for me because it's fun and not everyone else because I want people to think I am good. Now, had I not gone through and reached into Marvelous Light that awesome November day, I don't know that I would have heard the blessing. People wonder if you can hear God talking to you and I say yes, you just have to be listening...