Well, I think I have waited long enough to post again. :-) Seriously, anyone who was reading me, quit because it's been so long. If you still are here, wow, I'm impressed. I would have given up, a long time ago.
Now that's said, I don't even know what to say. I just know I need to say something.
We haven't been to worship in over a month now. Not because we don't want to go, more because we have been trying to take care of family on the weekends when we don't have tournaments. When we aren't playing softball, we are at my mother in law's house taking care of her. Yesterday was the first day in 3 months where we didn't have something to do. That was awesome.
All in all though, I feel lost and can feel the world creeping into me. God's been showing it to me. I feel myself wanting more stuff. I feel the evil one coming out in how I speak and act. I hate it and I don't want it anymore.
A few weeks ago, we started our house church back up again. Our lives have been in such trauma, the past several months, that we really needed some one on one Spirit healing and guidance. We enjoy our large church family so much, but there was a need. We asked the past leaders of our group, whom we are still very close with, to come back to meeting weekly and have started a audio lesson in Spiritual Authority. We are going into week number 4 and have added another family back into our house church mix. Wow, does it feel good too. We eat together, then listen to the 30 minute or so teaching, discuss and pray about the needs in all our lives. It's awesome, but I still need more.
It came to me that I need more God in my life. I have a responsibility to keep the Father close to me. Even more so with the lack of worship. I need to be reading more of the Word, letting Him fill me. I need some more peace, that only He can give. I'm just tired of wearing myself out trying to do it all alone. Heck, with thinking that I can do it all alone! How can I be a Spiritual mentor to my girls, when all I'm mentoring is being/doing nothing. I have gained back all the weight I lost due to stress. What would my life have been like these past few months if I hadn't have given up? Instead of shoving food in my mouth because I'm stressed, if I would have shoved my head in the Word and let God fill me where He knew I needed to be filled, rather than me filling it where I thought I needed to be filled. Now I feel crappy and unhappy, like a loser, (or gainer) because I worked so hard, for nothing. Now I have to start all over. I can't believe I did that to myself. See how easy it is for me to spiral out of control into the never ending, self hating vortex of darkness.
I can't do this anymore. I have to do better. I need to let go of the past, hurts and all. Move on and transition into where I am now. Ask and seek the guidance that He wants to give me. Follow it, instead of walking away. I'm in need Lord. Guide me. Lead me. Push me. Pull me. Help me.
Gosh, I feel like this is more of a journal entry than an uplifting post. Maybe getting all this off my chest will help me make the next step towards victory and away from failure. Get thee behind me Satan. I'm walking to the Light. Get thee under my foot Satan. I'm a child of the Most High God. I am victorious.
Today, I begin fresh. Future is in front of me.
Be Blessed, Until we read again...